The great Bannu bash

02Sep07

“Hello, ladies & gentlemen, I am Ali Hashmat, Pakistan’s first and only rock star who is going to host this year’s PitiGold-Lax Style Rewards with Princess Penny. Hello Penny.”

“Hello, Mahiah Bhaia Hashmat…”

“Acha, acha bas! Patties and gentlemen, as we all know, this year’s PitiGold-Lax Rewards are being held in the beautiful, scenic city of Bannu, just 9,000 miles away from the beaches of Bali, Indonesia. So, Penny, who are our first nominees?”

”I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my mommy.”

“What? But you’re all grown up now, Penny. Why ask mommy? Go on, announce the first nominees.”

“Okay. Will you give me a candy then?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So our first nominees for the evening are for the Best Female Model Ai-ward, I mean, Reward. And the nominees are… actually they’re the same women who were nominated last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year…”

“Just read them out!”
“But they’re the same.”

“READ THE DAMN NOMINEES’ NAMES!”

“Don’t shout at me.”
“Gimme that!”
“… wahhahhaaaa… I want my mommy!”
“Stop crying!”
“Wahhhhh… I want my mommy!”

“I’ll read the nominees, myself! No candy for you! So, the nominees for the best female model are …err… actually we have to invite actor, Shawl! Hello Shawl.”

“Duh!”
(Applause. “Once more, once more!”)
“Duh!”
(Applause. “Once more, once more!”)
“Shawl, aap ki intelligence ka raaz kya hai?”
“Duh. Lax kay chutpatay paapay!”
“But Shawl jee, Lax doesn’t make paapay.”
“It doesn’t? Oh. Okay. What does it make then?”
“Soap.”
“Oh. I think I once had it for breakfast.”
“You had SOAP for breakfast??”
“No ordinary soap, mind you. But Lax!”
(Applause).
“Fantastic. Now, can you announce the nominees?”
“What nominees?”
“Nominees for Best Female Model.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“The nominees, dammit!”

“Oh. Okay. The nominees are: Mirij for her portrayal of a homophobic beauty queen; Valeeza just because she’s Valeeza; and Ali Duffer for his portrayal of a hyperactive wimp in TV commercials!”

“But he wasn’t even a nominee.”
“Duh”
“Never mind. Come on up, Ali!”
“Thank you Lax for handing me this prestigious award… I mean, reward!”
“Duh. Nice skirt, dude.”
“Thanks. It was a gift from Arif Aslam. You should see the one he’s wearing. Come on up, Arif!”
(Applause.)
“Duh. Nice skirt, dude.”
“Thanks. It was a gift from Agnipath Deepak Parwana. You should see the one he’s wearing. Come on up Deepak…”
“Okay, I think that should do. Thank you Shawl, thank you Ali, thank you Deepak.
Right. So what’s next, Penny?”
“Wahhhhhh… I want my mommy!”

“Right. Of course. Anyway, I want to remind you guys, Lax is the largest selling, the most popular, the bestest, the greatest, the most wonderfulest, the most fabulous soap in India and Pakistan and Papua New Guinea! Yes, and I often use it on my tind! And now I have the most popular, the bestest, the greatest, the most wonderfulest, the most fabulous tind in India and Pakistan and Papua New Guinea! So thank you Lax! Right, our next reward is for the Best Hair Stylist. And the nominees are: Farigh Amin for his work on Baltaf’s hair; Baltaf for his work on Sabeela’s hair; Sabeela for her work on Bazi Hussain Ahmed’s beard; and Bazi Hussain Ahmed for his work on Sheema’s moustache. And the winner is… Bazi Hussain Ahmed!! Come on up, Bazi Sahib.”

“Slaanlaikum, Baji!”
“I’m a Bhai, Bazi sahib”

“I was talking to Penny Bibi here. Humph! Anyway, I am honored to accept this honourable reward. I want to dedicate this shandaar reward to Bibi Terhat Hashmi who is on an Islam-bachchao-tour on the serene mountains of British Columbia, and Bhai Fazloo who is in Jalalabad for breakfast! And may I meet Monia Jehan? My wife wants to know where she gets her moustache waxed?”

“No you can’t. Thank you. Okay. Now time for the usual song ‘n’ dance routine. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome a bunch of actresses who dance more than they act!”

(Applause).
“Err… Bazi Sahib, not you, sir. Please take your seat.”
“@?$?@%^$?$@?$%%^!!”
“Yes, thank you, sir. Okay, time to discooooo!!”
(*dhish, dhish, bam, bam and all that*)

“Okay, on to our next category. The best Male Actor for a Pakistani TV Serial. I invite Mr Baltaf Husain of the M-Kyoon-M to present this reward. Ladies & Gentlemen, Baltaf Husain!”

(Applause. A phone is bought on the stage. Its receiver is put in front of a microphone.)

“Thank you, thank you. Yet another acting reward. Wah bhai. Thank you!”
“Not this year, Baltaf Bhai. This year you’re here only to present the reward.”
“Acha? Chalo, koi baat nahi. Saathaiyoooooo!”
(“Jeeeeeeeeee”).
“Aslamualaikuuuuummmm!”
(“Walaikumuslam!”)

“The nominees for Best Male Actor… apart from me, of course… are: Osama bin Aladdin for his portrayal of a sinister jinn on FOX TV’s ‘Afghan Nights’. Mr Showcase Aziz for portraying an aging yuppie who suddenly discovers the wonders of discarding designer suits for crisp shalwar-kameez. BUT! Buttttt THE WINNER is Rustama KAMAAAAL from UNIT-39, Karachi!!”

“Baltaf Bhai, I think you are reading the wrong list of nominees!”
“Wrong list? WRONG, did you accuse me of? This is rigging! Boycott! Boycott! Lax Murdabad! Lado Soup zindabad!”
“Err… thank you Baltaf Bhai. I’ll let my co-host Penny to make the next announcement.”
“Wahhhh… I want my mommy”
“Never mind. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Freeharp Altaf!”

“Thank you, Ali. So, time now for another typical silly as hell Bollywood-style dance. Lady plants and men trees, please welcome, Naheed Dukhtar who will stand there like an inanimate piece of forgotten rock, as the actresses who dance more than they can act will jump up and down, up and down to superlative jhankaar music! Err… not you Bazi Saheb. Please take your seat.”

“&*^%$%#@#$$$%!!”

“Yes, of course, but this is not Waziristan, you see. And no, that’s NOT my moustache! Anyway, Ladies, patties and gents and rants, we now come to the last reward of the evening. I call Shawl to present it!”

“Duh.”
“Shawl?”
“Yes?”
“The nominees, please.”

“Duh. Okay. The nominees for best Editor of a fashion publication in Pakistan are: Lax Bintay Aslam of Binstep; Lax Bintay Kamal for Binstep; Bintay Lax Aslam and Bintay Lax Kamal Binstep! But the winner is, hold your breath, Bazi Hussain Ahmed, as in Takfeer!!”

(Booing! “Fraud! Rigging! Rigging!”)
“Oh, no. Shawl, do something!!”
“Duh!”
“Shawl, do something, pleeeease!”
“Duh, duh!”
“Damn! My moustache… I mean my lipstick! Bazi Sahib, please come up and receive the reward before we are all tear-gassed!”
“Mahsaallah! Thank you, thank you.”
“Duh! Nice skirt, dude.”

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