Blow Daddy
Daddy?
Yes, son.
Are we going to have a war with India?
Perhaps.
Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!
It wasn’t in 1857, son.
Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?
The British, son…
And the Hindus too, right?
Well…
Did Quaid-i-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?
No, son. The Quaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad bin Qasim died many years before.
Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?
There was no Pakistan in those days, son.
But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!
Who have you been talking to, son?
No one. I’ve just been watching TV.
It figures.
Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?
Arabs? But we aren’t Arabs, son.
Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!
No, son. Our ancestors were of the subcontinental stock.
Sub-what?
Never mind.You seem to like wars, son.
Yes. I like to watch them on TV.
But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.
Really? How is that possible? What sort of a war is that?
Never mind.
Daddy, you look worried.
Of course, I am, you little warmongering punk!
Daddy! Why are you scolding me?
Because TV is talking rot and so are you!
Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?
No!
Daddy, have you become a kafir?
Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.
Can’t do that.
But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.
Not any more.
What do you mean?
I burned them all.
What?!
I burned them all.
I heard that! But why?
They spread obscenity.
Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?
It’s almost complete.
Good boy. What are you making?
A bomb.
What?!
A bomb.
I heard that! But why?
Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.
But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.
That’s different.
How come?
Mickey Mouse is Muslim.
No, he isn’t.
Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.
On the moon?
Yes. Because the earth is flat and…
What??
The earth is…
I heard that!
Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?
Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher will fail you.
No, she wont.
Really?
Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.
God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!
She can’t come.
Why not?
I’ve locked her in the kitchen.
But what for?
A woman’s place is in the kitchen. I will not let her out until she covers herself up peoperly!
But she’s your mother!
She’s also a woman!
So?
So she should be hidden.
Hidden from whom?
The whole world and Tony.
Tony?
Yes, Tony.
But Tony’s a cat.
Yes. But he’s male.
Son, have you gone mad?
No. By the way, I’ve made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.
Kitto?
Yes, Kittto.
But Kitto’s a cat!
Yes. But a female cat.
But she’ll suffocate.
Oh, she’s already dead.
What?
She’s already dead.
I heard that! But how?
I buried her alive.
You what?
Yes. To avenge Tony’s honour. But now I will behead Tony.
But why?
To save mom’s honour!
Oh, God!
Don’t say that. Always say Allah.
What’s the difference?
Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?
No!
Do you want to be stoned to death?
No!
Do you want to be flogged?
No!
Do you want to get your arms chopped off?
No!
Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won’t call you daddy anymore.
What will you call me then?
Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.
I don’t know any Arabic, son.
That’s because you are a kafir.
Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!
What’s a fascist?
An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!
W… aaaaaaa…
Why are you crying?
You scolded me.
Okay, I’m sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.
I have no books.
Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.
I burned them.
What?
I burned them.
But why?
They were all in English.
So?
It’s a non-Muslim language!
But we are speaking English, aren’t we?
W… aaaaaaa…
What now?
Zionists made me forget my Arabic.
But you never knew any Arabic, son.
W… aaaa… yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops… aaaaa…
Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?
Sure, dad.
Can you blow up something for me?
Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A CD shop, a hotel, a school…?
No, no, something a lot more sinister.
Mom?
No, no…
What then?
The TV set!
What?
Blow the TV set.
I heard that! But why?
Just do it!
I see. Dad?
Yes.
You’re so unconstitutional!
Filed under: DAWN, Images, Naked Lunch | 12 Comments
hilarious, no doubt. but addressing the seriousness that inspired this hyperbole: is this really the dichotomy? why so binary a view?
An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man! —> NFP
Did dawn really publish this …
hilarious! marvelous concept to deliver message of transforming thoughts in to criminal tendencies.great work. please allow me to post at my site under your name . really enjoyed a lot.regards(razahaider.wordpress.com)
Perfect. Covers alot of things about our society, education system and brainstorming by the media.
It seems that NFP is still basking in the glory of his article “Blow daddy”. In his article he has mentioned blowing up of CD shops, girls’ schools and barbershops. I wonder who would he blame for burning of the mosques and desecration of the Holy Quran in Swat? Isn’t it high time for us Pakistanis to wake up & smell coffee?
Response to ^6:
Ahsan, it is idiots like you who have made a mockery of Muslims and Pakistanis. Who’s been blowing up mosques? It is the Taliban, you fool. It is blind men like you who need to wake up. Not only are they blowing up mosques, they are blowing up shrines, schools and all sorts of buildings and people.
Paracha one hell of a satire master. But since fools like you do not have the balls and the brains to undederstand satire and reality, you should leave your cozy bedrooms and join the Taliban in Swat. You hippocrite!
Seems like NFP is getting good bucks for the “blowjob” from the ones whose interests are being served. As far as protesting on domestic and international issues is concerned, one thing which is clear in case of American imperialism and Israeli atrocities is the aggressor whom we could identify. The situation in Swat is altogether different for there exists extreme confusion as to who is the hunter and who is the hunted. FM radio stations are not a big problem either. Would not it be possible for our army men to destroy such stations once they have tracked down its location?
Haw hai! Reluctant Fundo used the word “blowjob.” Sharam karo, merey Musalman bhai, sharam karo.
Hum aah bhi bhartay hain to ho jatay hain badnam,
woh qatal bhi kartay hain to charcha nahi hota!
NFP u rock dude! Totally! Love your articles, they are hilarious, and u write with such irony that it really leaves me amazed and on the edge on my chair. Keep up the awesome work!
Azan on the moon! Lol! I was actually told about that myself when I was young.