Figuring Qasim

Ever since the 1980s, many Pakistani school text books have unflappably claimed that the history of Pakistan does not start from 14 August 1947, but from the date Arab warrior, Muhammad Bin Qasim, conquered Sindh in the 8th Century …

Though most true Pakistani patriots believe this, they differ on some of the details as to exactly how Qasim achieved this wonderful feat of gifting the world with what has gone on to become one of the finest, strongest and most pious Islamic republics in the whole wide world.

For example, according to the famous intellectual/historian/scholar/long-haired-guy, Zaid Hamid, Pakistan actually came into being the moment Muhammad Bin Qasim was born.

Zaid suggests that Qasim’s birth symbolises the birth of Pakistan and thus, Pakistan actually came into being on 31 December, 695 AD.

Zaid Hamid is known to celebrate Pakistan’s Day of Independence on 31 December instead of 14 August. He does this by resolving to plant the victorious Pakistan flag in India, China, Iran, US, UK, Kirghizstan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan and Balochistan.

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The greatest Islamic political party in the whole wide ummah, the Jamat-e-Islami (JI), also believes that Pakistan’s creation goes back to the days of Muhammad Bin Qasim’s rule in Sindh in the 8th century.

But JI claims that Qasim was initially against creating Pakistan because there were just too many Hindus, Buddhists, Jain and Liberal Fascists in Sindh.

However, after the religious scholars in his entourage had successfully converted many non-Muslims, Qasim realised that most of the converts had distorted the faith and were erecting minarets over their places of worship and calling them mosques.

Qasim was outraged. He sacked Sindh all over again, demolished the minarets and declared the creation of Pakistan. He also banned all food products made by the heretics.

His heroics made his fans begin to call him ‘Boom, Boom Qasim.’ According to JI the roots of the present day name ‘Boom, Boom Afridi’ can be found in this event.

Famous theological cricket theoretician, Inzimamul Haq agrees: ‘Fusst of all, thanks to Qasim Bhai, his boys play very well, conquering Sindh in overcast conditions, and jubilee-ous jubilation of victory make boys jumping and calling brother Qasim, Boom Boom Qasim, just fusst must like today’s peoples of ummah calls pious manly mans likes Afridi, Boom Boom Afridi …’

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Though not entirely disagreeing with the JI, the Difa-e-Pakistan Council (DPC) claims that Qasim was chosen by the security chief of the Caliph in Iraq to lead a long march into Sindh to block the supply route of Christian and Jew forces that were using Sindh to transport weapons against the Caliphate.

DPC historians say that Qasim gathered the healthiest ulema (especially around the waist) and formed an organisation called Al-Difa-ul-Bakistan (also called NUTO), and led a long march to Sindh.

After successfully blocking the infidels’ supply route, Qasim and his healthy men fought a jihad against the Hindu rulers of Sindh and then went on to create Pakistan.

Famous theological cricket theoretician, Inzimamul Haq agrees: ‘Fusst of all, thanks to Qasim bhai, his fat boys bat well, killing yahood-o-nisara-o-Hinds, after long long marches, left-right, left-right, thanks to camels, boys block infidels’ goods that where actually bads, and fusst and lusst thanks to brother Qasim, Pakistan Zindabad was made …’

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Interestingly, the Pakistan military also has its own version of how Qasim created Pakistan.

It suggests that Pakistan was created by General Muhammad Bin Qasim after he defeated the Hindu army.

But it claims that Qasim’s troops first quietly (and strategically) entered Afghanistan thus giving itself depth from which it moved into Kashmir.

Just why Qasim did that is not explained but the military says it had something to do with ‘strategic depth.’

So after entering Afghanistan and then Kashmir, Qasim’s army strategically came down to Sindh. Then from Sindh it sailed back to Iraq.

Military historians say this was a brilliant strategic and in-depth move by the Arab general and it was this move that helped him sail back to Sindh, conquer it, declare the creation of Pakistan and rule it as General Qasim-e-Azam.

Many non-military historians are still confused as to why on earth would Qasim take his army from Sindh to Afghanistan, then to Kashmir and from Kashmir to Sindh, back to Iraq and from Iraq back to Sindh.

‘Strategic depth, dammit!’ says the military.

But the great Gandhian yoga master and Amresh Puri fan, Bal Thakrey disagrees: ‘What is this funda, no? Pakijtan not created by Qajim. Pakijtan not created at all. All was and is Ram Raj. Qajim was pakka badhmash. Couldn’t even dance, no? Should have come to Gujrat. But now these goondahs say Pakiijtan is reality. Chalo, never mind. Ganda hai par dhanda hai ye …’

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Famous cricketer-turned-politician-turned-revolutionary-weather-phenomenon, Imran Khan, finds all Qasim theories far-fetched. He says that Pakistan was solely created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah.

However, he does concede that the ideological basis for a future Islamic state in the region was laid down by Qasim.

Talking on a TV show he said: ‘Daikhien, Hamid, aap koh nahi pata, Muhammad Bin Qasim was such an inspiration for Jinnah and Iqbal and Pasha and me. He swept across the Arabian Sea like a tsunami and crashed over Sindh, sweeping the elections and forming the first Islamic Welfare State in the sub-continent.’

When asked that didn’t this mean that Pakistan was created by Qasim, Khan said: ‘Daikhien, Hamid, aap koh nahi pata, Qasim was a Jinnah of his time, even though he was a bit younger than Jinnah and had healthier lungs. Jinnah and Iqbal and Pasha and me all want to finally turn comrade Qasim’s vision of making this land that he liberated from Hindu imperialists, Nato forces and liberal scum, into a prosperous Islamic welfare state – like Singapore and South Korea.’

When told that Singapore and South Korea were not Islamic, Khan said: ‘Daikhien, Hamid, aap ko nahi pata …’

‘Nahi, sab aap hi koh pata hai.’

‘Haan, that’s true. So, dekhien Hamid, aap koh nahi pata, every human being in this world, except liberal scum and Sarfraz Nawaz, is a Muslim. Of course, we are better Muslims, but Jinnah and Iqbal and Pasha and me have decided to form an honourable, collective jirga that will work towards the creation of a Qasim-ist Islamic Welfare State.’

But when reminded that Jinnah and Iqbal were no more, Khan said: ‘See, this is the kind of negative thinking that is harming our cause. Just imagine that they are alive. Imagine that I have swept the elections.”

He added: ‘Deikhien, Hamid, aap koh nahi pata, Qasim actually came and liberated Sindh on a giant tsunami wave. There was a disturbance in the plate tectonics in the Caliphate’s GHQ in Iraq that triggered this tsunami and helped Qasim reach Sindh. In a two-pronged strategy, he slaughtered the Hindu oppressors but held a dialogue with radical Muslim Kharijites. Kharijites were beheading fellow Muslims because bad Muslims were helping Christian and Jew Crusaders carry drone attacks against them.’

When told there were no drones in the 8th century, Khan said: ‘See. This is the kind of negative thinking that is destroying our pride. Dakhien Hamid, aap koh nahi pata, there is now another tsunami rising on which, just like Qasim Tiger, Jinnah and Iqbal and Pasha and me will surf in and take over. Booyah, yo!’

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